Dear Dr. Bachmann,
Hi, hon, how ya doing? Pastor Brian from Camp Str8-N-Arrow, here, just checking in with another Christ-loving, fully heterosexual pillar of the community. I just want you to know that we here at Camp Str8-N-Arrow are fully in behind you. When you call homosexuals "barbarians", we say "Amen!" When you say they need to be educated, we've got all the knowledge we'll ever need in the Bible. And when you say they need to be disciplined, well, we just find that exciting.
It is always great to share thoughts and experiences with someone who fully embraces the Ex-Gay movement, especially in the face of rabid homosexual indoctrination and difficult weeks like this. There was that fiasco in New York, where Archbishop Dolan just rolled over and took it from the gays. The Catholics have always been suspect in their anti-homosexual resolve, and that just proved it. What did you do for this weekend's annual Sodomite & Gommorahan "Pride" Festival? I'm sure you'll be happy to know that we held a Gay Shame parade of our own, and it was a rip-roaring good time.
But then some good news, your wife going out and declaring that God has called her to become President. It is really a wonderful thing to see a Christian woman come to power like that, although a part of me makes me wonder why you aren't running for President yourself? You're direct, you speak for the Lord and you're cute as a button when you get all lathered up. Plus, Michele really is wearing the pants there, isn't she, which Deuteronomy 22:5 tells us is an abomination. It sounds like you and she could use some of the Step 2 classes we offer at Camp Str8-N-Arrow. Put yourself in my hands and I'll get right down to blowing the demons out of you.
If you do want to come to our Level 2 classes, we're holding the summer session of our homosexual outreach ministry, Camp Str8-N-Arrow, at the Matthews Park Recreation Center in Minneapolis starting on July 15th. Check out our website for more information and to register: www.campstr8narrow.weebly.com. We are also holding a community panel on Friday, June 22nd and your voice would be a welcome addition, leading people out of the dark night of homosexuality with a cock's crow of Christ's dawn. You should come over, bring Michele and we'll have a three-way bonding experience, or just come by yourself and we'll share the fruits of the staff of life that is the Lord our God.
With the everlasting golden shower of God's love,
Head Pastor, Camp Str8-N-Arrow